ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity

“Thank you for your application,” you read. 

You already know what the rest of the email is going to say. 

“We regret to inform you that we have decided not to move forward with…”

You shut your laptop and release a defeated sigh. This is the third rejection email this week. You’re starting to doubt your skills. You managed to fake your way through school and now your true (lack of) competency is surfacing. What if you never find a job again?

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is the intense pain one feels when experiencing real or perceived rejection, criticism.

While rejection stings everyone, ADHD can deepen the hurt of rejection. It can often be all-consuming and demotivating. “Why bother?” is a common response, and can lead to further damaging habits involving avoidance, addiction, and withdrawal. 

What Really Happens: The Science Behind It

It’s harder to shrug off because it’s not about the rejection or loss itself. It triggers our abandonment wounds. It also makes us more resentful, especially when we’ve given our all to be chosen. This is caused by several factors including:

• A hyperactive amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional processing.

• Dopamine systems in the ADHD brain can heighten experiences related to loss, rejection or failure. 

• A sensitive anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) is the part of the brain activated during pain, whether it be physical or emotional. 

• Hyperawareness and Overthinking: Individuals with ADHD may read deeper into social cues, often giving more context to situations and exaggerating the intents of those around them.

Sensitive people go into flight, fight or freeze mode more easily.

How to Handle It

THE FOUR Rs

The video above talks about Four Rs:

Recognize: Check in with your body. What’s happening at a physiological level? Are you feeling nausea or a tightness in your chest? Or as if all the blood has flowed out of your head? Understanding what’s going on is the first step in grounding you.

Respond (according to cognitive ability): When we are in a heightened emotional state, it can be challenging if not impossible to respond rationally. This is why it’s useful to have tools and strategies in place. For example, when I’ve received bad news, I have a 5-minute meditation, a list of compliments, or songs to practice on my guitar to help lower my anxiety. 

You could work on what works for you personally with your therapist. 

Reflect and Reframe: This may be controversial advice, but it’s often not about you. When my boss was hiring her replacement for her maternity leave, she went with the candidate who’s not the most competent but who wouldn’t pose a threat or competition.

You never know what’s going on in people's minds. Maybe that friend who’s not making plans with you is in deep depression. Maybe the woman who interviewed you is in a loveless marriage. Maybe your ex-boyfriend looks happier with the new girl because he felt inferior to you and she feels safer.

TRUST

Trust yourself. This can take months or years of practice. Sensitive people tend to doubt themselves, and so dissect every interaction and map out all the ways in which they could have done it differently for a different result. It is possible to not only sit with your decisions, but to honour them as appropriate. Adopting a selfish attitude is possible. I know because I did it. A little sprinkling of “So what?” lightens your life. 

Trust the process. The universe has removed this from your path to pave the way for better things. For superior things. For a job you wouldn’t have come across had this one not worked out. For a partner who has qualities that you don’t even yet know exist.

TALK TO YOURSELF WITH KINDNESS

In moments of difficulty, I take out the picture of five-year-old-me. She’s wearing a hairband and missing front teeth. I tell her she deserves love. 

Over time, I have needed that photograph less and less. Talking to myself with respect has become muscle memory, and is now on autopilot. In moments of (real or perceived) rejection, it helps to remind ourselves that our worth doesn’t change, and that life keeps moving.