What it’s Like
“Will I ever have a good relationship?” I winced.
“You will,” Bestie said, “But you need to start putting yourself first.”
I didn’t like that she said that. I’d worked for years to become a master communicator.
But secretly, I was mad because I knew she was right.
On the surface, I seem outspoken. If you met me at a party, you’d say I’m outgoing and unfiltered.
Meanwhile, I’m successfully concealing how much I choose not to say. Accommodating to keep the peace was second nature to me.
The first step to getting over my ex was admitting that I’d let the power dynamics lean in his favour. That in fact, I believed I was lucky to have him (and not the other way around). I had betrayed my character I’d worked so hard to curate: a sexy, confident catch, who didn’t put up with anyone’s shit. That I possessed the most unattractive of all the qualities: insecure. And this was not the only department of my life where I’d been doing so.
Why does it Happen?
Abandonment
Good ol’ abandonment wounds. We tend to think of abandonment as dramatic as actual leaving. It can manifest in smaller details, such as withholding:
Compliments
Support
Physical affection
Invitations
Several physiological factors heighten ADHD fear of rejection.
Hyperfocus on Others’ Needs
ADHD makes you sensitive to your environment, which means you’ve got your eye on everyone and their mother. This distracts from your own needs. Perhaps you choose to tough it out because an imaginary voice told you it would be harder for the other person to compromise.
Maintaining Harmony
Having ADHD is hard enough. Perhaps you’ve been labelled difficult. To compensate, you’ve trained yourself into a gold-medalist of an empath. Plus, you just want everyone to have a good time, right?
ADHD therapy will help you understand where our unique tendencies come from, and give you personalised tools to deal with them accordingly.
What To Do
LEAN INTO PRINCESS MODE
You know the people who seem to seamlessly get what they want? Watch them. How do they do it? How do they move through life?
As I mentioned earlier, I always had boundaries. But I had to be 90% uncomfortable in order to say “no.”
Most of my friends would have to be 10%.
It could be as simple as refusing to stay out for another drink, lending clothes, or moving furniture.
Your compassion makes you beautiful. When you die, people will remember you by your kindness. My suggestion is to find a balance between that 10% and 90%. You can also move the scale depending on the person. When observing selfish people, watch how they use their charm to get out of things. Copy how they don’t owe anyone anything (and neither do you).
It’s a muscle, being okay with letting people do things for you.
Time, practice, and ADHD therapy help with getting comfortable saying, “Nope, sorry.”
DECIDE YOUR BOUNDARIES BEFOREHAND
Imagine your boundaries as a document or a script. In fact, write them out as if they were. You can update this document as you go along. It’s yours to shape as fits you best. That way, when uncomfortable situations arise, you can simply refer to the script/guide.
Some boundaries are easy to keep, and I’m sure you have them already. Not sleeping with a guy on a first date, saying no to drinks on a weeknight, not answering your phone on a Sunday, cutting off any man who is rude to his mom. It’s different for everyone. Here’s an example of one brewing on the spot:
It had been two years since the aforementioned breakup. Two years was a long time to be single, but I’d trained and promised myself that I will be true to myself. I had met someone new. He is a gem. I wanted it to work between us, but not at the cost of myself. When I want someone in my life, my natural tendency is to give them no reason to leave.
This was my test, to see if the past two years of growth had actually happened.
One day, we were walking down Mont Royal. He’d gotten a parking ticket earlier in the day, so he was already in a bad mood. We then stepped into Couche-Tard because he wanted to buy smokes. I wasn’t watching the interaction, and I suppose he was too late into it before he realized it was a hefty $8 more than he’d have paid at the corner store. This further muddied his mood.
“I’m sorry,” I said. It was a half apology, because it was me who pointed out the Couche-Tard. Even as a non-smoker, unaware of the price of cigarettes, I felt responsible. I also didn’t have the right words of comfort. I get nervous around unhappy men. I was a failure. The right woman would know what to say. I mumbled, “Yeah, that place is more expensive. It’s okay, you know money comes and goes. I also get annoyed when things like this happen, but I just try to think about how to do things next time. Dwelling doesn’t help.”
He was too enclosed in his own bubble to hear me. “Putain, c’est CHER.”
Then it hit me: I was stressing about his anger, but he was oblivious to my discomfort.
He complained the second time, “Vingt dollars!”I told myself that if he mentions it a third time, I’m turning around.
“F***ing as***les,” he said. The metro was a block away, but I stopped mid-street.
“Hey,” I said gently, “I’m going home,”
“Oh,” he was confused, “Okay.”
I said I’ll see him tomorrow and we kissed goodbye.
When I came back home, I saw a text from him, “I’m sorry. I’m disgusted today,”
“It’s alright,” I wrote, “We’re all allowed bad days,” I told him.
“And we’re all allowed not to witness others in theirs,” I reminded myself smiling.
AT PEACE WITH LOSS
I know as humans we need each other, but also being okay if the consequence means they’re not in your life.Yes, this can involve being hyper self-sufficient /independent. You can also trust that you are enough, that the people in your life love you for you.
My bestie did not want to take the next steps in his situationship.
“I’m just repelled by the idea of a relationship,” he squirmed,
“Well,” I added, “Why would you want one with HIM? He’s always in some kind of tragedy, he doesn’t cook, he doesn't take you out, he refuses to meet your friends. He adds to your life in no way. Why would you want him?”
“Oh,” he said confused, “That’s not the issue. I don’t need him to do anything for me. I’m happy with him just being there.
I nearly wept into my sun-speckled beer. What a foreign concept.
That being said, two things can happen when you start exerting boundaries:
People will keep you in your life. It’s likely that your need to prove yourself is in your head.
People will disappear. Sometimes your instincts are ri
The latter can happen in multiple ways. Here’s are some ways to deal with losing loved ones:
Grieve the loss.
Trust you’ll be better
List what you’ve gained from this loss
Realize that losing people is part of this process, and it’s paving the way for better ones.
ADHD Therapy can guide you through the grief as well as becoming your most powerful self.
UNPLEASANT TRUTH: PEOPLE DON’T LIKE IT.
Whether you’re dealing with fellow people pleasers, or regulars, you’re actually making things more difficult when you don’t speak your mind.
If you’re Dealing with Someone Malicious
They actually don’t give a shit about all you do. You sense that you’re unappreciated, which creates resentment, which poisons the entire dynamic.
If you’re Dealing with Someone Decent
You’re putting others in a position where they have to guess what you want, possibly inducing guilt if they get it wrong. They are just as burdened by this martyr mentality as you are.
You might say, “It’s easier said than done!”
I know. I never said it was easy. I said it’s crucial.
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